It's Over...It's Done.
So today I officially finished my undergrad experience. I'm no longer eligible to tick "student" on forms, now I have to resort to good ol' fashioned "funemployed." (Read: oh my god, please hire me).
Never before in my life have I felt grown up. I've been through the 16th, the 18th and the 20th birthday, and nothing. Yet today, that has all changed. I let the drama that had been bothering me for the past two days go, and I realized, fuck me...I'm an adult. I can forgive, I don't need to dramatize, I don't need to cry.
Amidst the waves of panic that wash over me in the oddest of places - most recently the bathroom of the movie theatre (half price tuesdays!), I'm beginning to realize that this is it. I'm actually, genuinely done. That which had defined me for the past 16 years has ended. And while I could say that it leaves me open to forge a whole new identity, let's be honest, I wanna curl up in a ball and die.
It's one of those things that no one will understand till they are in the same position. All that stretches in front of me is nothing (albeit that reads super dramatically). But essentially I have no tether point, no purpose, nothing to shield me from the world. If I amount to nothing now I can't hide behind the convenient guise of a degree.
I don't mean to sound like the stereotypical Arts Major Grad, but I have no prospects. In every aspect of my life I am floundering. And I know I haven't been looking for jobs for very long, but with the number I've applied to it'd be nice to be validated. None of my friends are in the same position as me, and this makes it worse. The stress of looking for an internship, is weak sauce in comparison to looking for a way to start my life.
I'm sure things will look better in the morning...or in a couple months...but there's just nothing to guide me now. I'm not aiming for something specific (except the lofty ideal of Law School), but there's no longer a set path for me. What's worse is the siren's call of home. I want to go home. Not necessarily to be with my parents, but because starting somewhere else without the hope of a job or a future sounds far too scary. I want to be somewhere familiar, so that at least while all other variables of my life are in jeopardy, there's something solid. Is that not the basis of any successful experiment? Change one variable at a time, to figure out what works?
And yet, if I live at home, I run the risk of falling into a rut...I may end up spending my 21st birthday with my parents, falling quickly (nay regressing), back to my high school routine. And I can't have that. If what I fear most is stagnation, and loneliness, then is living with my parents the right choice? I suppose though, the monetary situation would be beneficial, and I could continue to take classes at the state university, while either holding a real job, or taking on some sort of work/internship.
haha, this is turning out to be quite the eclectic post.
My last thought spurred my next issue: jobs. I've applied for all the standards: the paralegals, interns, entry level lackeys. Yet...what if what I need to set me apart is something crazy. Something so out of my comfort zone, that it allows me to unlock that part of myself that i've been unable to reach. That part which is only unlocked by great love, new passions, and danger. That part that really defines who you are...the storybook power in each of us. That little thing that would make you the hero of an epic fantasy, because that's the only situation where it would come out.
Ah, but there's the rub...I'm not a risk taker. I like the idea of it (from movies and tv), but I like scheduled excitement, and spontaneity within reason. How on earth is someone like me supposed to find this crazy perfect job? Media tropes tell me that I will stumble into it. But media tropes also tell me that I will find the love of my life when I trip and he catches me *shot reverse shot* we make eye contact, as the sun forms a halo around his head, and my hair is perfectly wind-mussed. Alas, the last time I tripped and someone steadied me, it was a hobo. My life.
Well, this post proved less cathartic then I'd hoped. Perhaps tomorrow inspiration will strike? Or perhaps it won't. Either way, I have from now till infinity.
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